Pages of My Life…

A carpet of grey skies,

Glum and moodiness meet my eyes,

The birds seem saddened,

The flowers droop as if burdened,

The garden is enveloped in sorrow,

But yet tomorrow,

I see the skies turning blue,

The leaves shining with misty dew,

Flowers bloom with colors of exuberance,

Listening to the birds singing in turns,

A tomorrow that I see,

In that day I see me,

Wishing that it would arrive sooner,

Every second I glance at the clock in the corner,

Ticking away for my tomorrow,

A day where my heart will glow,

For angels coming knocking,

And the boughs on the trees start rocking,

Gently to the sway of the wind,

As a story of beauty is to begin,

Tomorrow comes,

Sweet cherry blossom plums,

Tomorrow is here,

Angel is near….

Welcomed by a dark morning,

No birds chirruping or singing,

An emptiness that seems so close,

Painfully from discomfort I arose,

The creeping sun peeks,

The color that once faded from my cheeks,

Makes a slow return,

Lessons honestly now I learn,

As the mist clears,

As the light of morning slowly nears,

The emptiness fades,

Bringing colors in many shades,

Smiles show,

As words flow,

A rhythm that never ends,

A message of endurance it sends,

The morning comes,

So many memories it sums,

The morning comes,

Along with it pain numbs,

The morning comes…..

Our mind takes us back to old times,

I smile at all these thoughts sometimes,

With every inch of my lips that carve a smile,

Memories flush through in a pile,

The sweet smelling winds of yesteryear,

Those moments swirl by so near,

Its almost as if I can grasp its existence,

In it I have found life and penance,

The sugary taste of sharing,

When we all were together in moments we spent caring,

Dancing in the light of rain,

Ignorant to our blistering pain,

Like soldiers we marched on,

We were medals that brightly shone,

Inseparable is what we define,

With us there was never a yours nor mine,

Lessons learnt had never this much joy,

We would laugh, tease, play and toy,

The lesson of the class was not from a book,

But what we learnt from how much it took,

To hold onto what one another,

Never letting go of neither,

Laughter and chatter that followed,

As we walked hand in hand down the red brick road,

The tender feeling of belonging,

The conforting notion of knowing,

Wraps the heart with security like no other,

Without all this a fate I shudder,

Such a blessing, such a treasure,

Priceless beyond measure,

A bounty I will carry till my last breath,

A jewel that will accompany me to the doorsteps of death….

This is a little tribute to the Prefectorial Board of 04/05, PBSM 04/05, the Debate team 04/05, Eng Society 04/05, Pn. Khoo’s lit class, CYA 04/05 the Kem Kepimpinan forerunners 04, and all other activities that we foreran together hand in hand (too many to list guys….) I know this isn’t much, but as we all diverge into our separate ways, I just wanted to cast out a little reminder that we may lose touch and we may also never see each other again, God forbid. But always bear in mind that there is one thing that you will always have, and that is the memory of those beautiful and wonderful times we shared together. These are things that will never fade in time nor ever fade from our lives. So hold on to these cherished gems for the rest of your lives and you will never be lonely for every soul you had shared your past with, lives on in your heart, soul and memory.Thank you for the enjoyable moments we’ve shared! Take care guyz and I love ya loadz!

      It sure has been a while since I last blogged. Well, it sure has been an excruciatingly exhausting month and I definately can’t wait for a break (even for a day) to come along. Life sure has taken a melodramatic toll and the days are filled with mundane, routined schedules making my nerves fry till they sizzle. I have been thinking a lot of all the changes that have been occuring and well, this little self-analysis (thank you personality psychology class) has provided me with a rather disturbing discovery. I HAVE changed. Its not that I am being negative about the changes that have occured or anything, but well, having always sworn that I will never again allow anyone or anything to change my judgment or personality for that matter, I am one individual who seems to have taken the 180 in life. I mean, I have friends who ask me, who are you?

      Being the wacky, nonchalant, happy-go-lucky individual, life has never been anything but icing on the cake. Or so people think. My life is quite the contrary, though I will have to admit, that I have been rather carefree and not really responsible before, I have one thing in my defence, how do you become mature if you’re never at all immature? I had to go from point A to point B. Besides, being the oldest in the family, I rarely got any childhood that tickled my memory, always having to set a good example, always having to be the perfect child, always having to live up to expectations and others’ dreams. I suppose I spent the first 12 years of my life pleasing all those around me apart from myself. Then came in the adolescent rebellion that really shook the foundations of my household, so to speak.

       I suppose always being shunted to one side because I rarely needed much caring for, being the quiet and reserved kind, I suppose my rebellion was more a cry for attention than anything else. But after a hell of a teenage and a year of college life (which was a hell of an eye opener by the way) I settled down to a more subtle and responsible as well as mature lifestyle at the moment. I won’t say that it is at all relaxed as it is quite the contrary, but I would say, this lifestyle I lead now, as mundane and banal as it may seem to the common folk that stroll my college grounds, it remains a life that enables me to sleep with a guilt-free conscience every night. This is something I truly pride upon as not many individuals can claim to possess such a distinct blessing. Having experienced life on both sides I suppose I see the bigger and better picture now.

      I have absolutely no regrets about my past and I wouldn’t change even the slightest detail (now u know this is a petty lie at this point, but heck who doesn’t tell white lies for self-comfort?) in it. I cherish every moment that went by and I appraise every bit of it. For I wouldn’t be who I am and I wouldn’t be what I am today if it weren’t for this distinct history of mine. But now moving to the unchartered waters of my depressing existence (excuse the drama, its been a LONG week) I have finally found myself sunken into a stupor of a droid-like existence. Living on a tight schedule (yes, tight, I’m down to the minute precise) as my travelling hours are pretty hefty, plus assignments and tasks are bound to my shoulders like boulders, life does take its toll on the zestful part of our passion. It may seem that I have lost the essence that truly made me, me. But of course I haven’t.

     I spend countless times repeating myself to concerned friends and old acquaintances that I have not changed at all. I still possess the same mischief, annoying and also fun nature that once so prominently shone from my mere presence. I still have all those innate qualities within me, only I have chosen to embed them a teensy bit further into my heart to allow a new kind of trait to surface for a while. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not schizophrenic or anything, but I’m just trying out different aspects of my life and trying to accomadate all that comes forth with the best possible approach and characteristical criteria that I possess.

       I have learnt numerous lessons within the 19 years of my life. I’m not talking of critical skills or anything. Just basic emotional skills. Understanding, empathizing, sympathizing, distinguishing, embracing and realizing. Well, to be honest the list can go on and on and on, but lets not drone on that for too long. The point here is that what ever that life has thrown my way has not changed me but helped mould me.It has refined my character and helped me recognize those embedded factors of myself that I never knew existed. Most importantly, it helped me discover a part of me that simply amazes me, for I never knew I had neither the audacity nor the courage to seek. I am strong. Yes, after all that I have been through (which is not really my fault to shoulder here, and no I’m not living in denial) I have managed to get up and clamber up the mountain of success once again. I’m not at the peak yet but I sure am reaching. It has not been an easy journey, tears, cries, loss and well, heart-wrenching moments, all come and gone but one thing remains with me from start till end, my memories. They never fade, die or leave. They remind us of what we are now and they allow us to keep ourselves at out toes. They show us what we’ve lost and they inspire us to fight to reclaim our deserving tributes and for this I would have to say, memories are truly our greatest gift…..

Fate can indeed be cruel. Just when you think that you have secured some sense of integrity, clinging on to the last, remaining strands of hope, you find that they snap right within sight. The one thing that you had been so desperately holding on to, the oxygen that filled your lungs every morning to keep you going, the one thing that you knew you could never have yet the possibility of it always being there just ripped out from the depths of your heart in the blink of an eye.  Its not only heart-wrenching but also truly devastating. For the essence that you had been so endearingly been holding onto becames void and now hope is replaced with nothingness. Despair hits hard at our hearts bringing conscience down with a tumbling fall, as everything seems destitute.

       Why do such things happen? Why do things that seem so trivial bring so much agony? Denial that once helped now seems to provide no much than an inkling of comfort. All new beginnings and cherished memories that I held close to my heart comes crumbling down along with my heartfelt moments and notions. It hurts. It truly does. How do I face this dilemma? How do I awaken from it? Everything seems more likely to end that to ever grace my life with a beginning of something beautiful. This is the face of sorrow. Tears of angst and emotions of burdenful turmoil.

      This was how I perceived a rather disturbing discovery recently. Condemning all that I had fought so hard for, I finally realized that what little hope that I had embedded within my heart that grew into a mountain of courage that has supplemented me with the courage to face these adversities at this phase of life has now left me. Deserted and null of all anticipation, joy and hope, I found life in the very least empty. I felt like there was no point waking up today as I knew that the tomorrow that I dreamt of would never come. Painful and yet, fruitless. I stared at my own reflection in the mirror that morning with desperation. Who had said that resilience pays off? Which fool had notioned that determination has its rewards? Words of wisdom derived from situations that differed from mine surely.

    Then it hit me. The truth struck me like a bolt of lightning, sending a realization that burnt all conspicuos thought within me like a brushfire. So what if you are gone? So what if life has taken away the one thing that I truly desired? Look at how much I have accomplished bearing just the very thought of you as an inspiration. Just imagine the lengths to which I have relentlessly resorted to with just your memories as my driving force. Spectacularity and amazement hit me like a ton of bricks. I may have lost my destination but I still have the journey to go on with. A destination can be a place that resides deep within our heart and soul, but the journey can be travelled with that imagination burning its pace at every step of the way.

     I finally realized what life had meant. The saying that God always opens a door when he has closes another may have worked for some, but to me it has no significance in truth. God closed a door in an attempt of shutting us from the otherside and as blissful as it may have been, the fact that we go on, trying to unlock that door, consistently and persistently, believing and holding on to the sole belief that one day it will unlock itself, is what life tells us. Look deep within you for the inspiration, although your destination has faded from within your sight, look back to your journey and use that to fuel your spirits into searching for your destination. That is what life is, and that is what we all have. Hope and a journey.

Words that pour from the depths of truth,

Presence that both comfort and soothe,

A life that fills up with possibilities,

One that defies all logic and realities,

I live in a world of dreams,

Wondering what a life of eternal bliss seems,

Visions of laughter and smiles,

And with the joy and miracles that piles,

In the every blooming chapter of our lives,

The meaning of happiness is what it derives,

The tender feeling of touch,

A dream of this kind and many more such,

Beautiful, simple, sweet memories,

A blanket of love sweeps by like the sweet smelling breeze,

A look of love deep within your eyes,

Sends all me tears, fears and cries,

Deep into the abyss of no return,

My angst and worries to ashes burn,

With a single word of kindness that escapes your lips,

My skin feeling reality’s call back with tiny nips,

But even then my skin is oblivious to the pain,

As every trickle of blood that passes through every vein,

Whispers your name,

And every heart beat of mine says the same,

You may never glance my way,

A word to me you may never say,

But I will remain here forever,

For I am a tie that cannot sever,

Bound by eternal devotion,

I am tied by emotion, passion and compassion,

One that is untainted and pure,

Any lengths of pain it can thus endure,

So never will I fade,

And goodbye is something I will never bade….

     Optimistic. Vivacious. Vibrant. Words that relate so accurately to my personality. At one point of time. Carefree and full of enthusiasm with never an inkling to what the word dilemma or even predicament ever meant. A childlike naivety and bliss was what I was blessed with. A gift bestowed upon me for reasons I could not and still cannot comprehend. A gift that faded, slowly but surely in the passing of time. A year of awakening and a soul that has gone through phase after phase, waking to a rebirth from a life filled to the brim with a myriad of emotional turmoil and conundrums. The reincarnation of this entity has brought forth an understanding and an amaranthine of appreciation to the beautiful souls that God has so graciously bequethed upon me.

      A new year brings with it new possibilities and hopes. Replenishing the heart with fresh joy and happiness, I found new meaning in the word life. I squint at the life ahead as much anticipation and prescience. Being the bubbly and spirited girl that I am, I was never one that worried about intellectuality or emotional intelligence, and most ironically, the choice of my occupational field is psychology much to the chagrin of my parents. But now, as revolution as much as evolution has stirred a whirlwind of cognizance that tugged at my heart strings and nudged my conscience. I began to reflect and ponder upon issues that never once captivated my interest in the slightest. Teens that were rebellious, the puppy love age, the teen anxiety and of course peer pressure, what triggered all these devastating circumstances?

      I began questioning the way the world works and more importantly I began cogenting why it works in such an aggrieving manner? After enduring my own life altering, or rather, path altering situations, I began searching for an insight into why we differ with such magnanimous results and all the consequences that follow. Our actions being the aftermath of self-reasoning and contemplation, I began wondering why do people placed in the same crisis respond to the issue at hand differently. Moreover, I wondered deeper beyond the realms of life and was completely taking a turn into a the morbid dimension of the after life. My fascination branched out and curiosity began digging deeper into every inch of my soul burying its inquisitive nature deep within every instinct, notion and perception.

      I became a changed person. My realization and awakening brought forth not only a sense of intrigue and due admiration, but it painted a picture of beauty to me in the sense of gratitude. As I looked around me for the first time in my life, I saw all that I had. Blessings, love, cherished moments and memories, guidance and support and a never ending relationship filled with care and continual adoration. Something that no other relationship, individual or any other circumstance could bring.

      To have such perception and to have such a gem land in your lap, brought streams of tears to my eyes. I began reminiscing about all those times that I have felt alone and abandoned and all those moments that I have felt blatantly deserted and took out my angst upon those who have always been there. Blaming them for an abrocation that never was. The dawning of my comprehension gave my sight into how blind I really was. Seeking aid for those who misguided me when I was blind to the compassion and auspices that was so readily present. Turning to others for attention and comfort when I was already blessed with such a benediction. The moments that I have spent shedding tears over my idiocy still visualizes within sight as I do believe that this is one impact that defied all others. This memory is embedded within every nerve, blood and tear of my entire existence. It is immortalized within my soul.

     Soul-searching like so many other individuals seek is not something that can be found or attained. This is something that has to be unearthed. It isn’t as easy as one may assume as we will encounter our worst enemies in the never-ending journey of self-discovery. Ourselves. We have to embrace ourselves to face our demons from within and of course the worst part, accept them as they are us in nature and in truth. The ugliness of oneself is the harshest possible truth that we can encounter and the detriments of a confrontation of this magnitude can bring about dire consequences. Nevertheless, we will also have to encompass parts of ourselves that escaped our notice and learn to comprehend them all the same. To find ones soul is not dependent upon the effort taken to search for it, for this is something that cannot be found. It has to be unearthed. Our true nature and abilities underline our intellectual, spiritual, mental, physical and all other dimensions of ourselves. And it resides nowhere else but within us. It all depends whether we have instilled enough courage to exhume it from the depths of our heart, mind and soul. Fight, find and feel it for no one can understand us till we can.

It is that time of the year and everyone is making their own little trip down the memory lane. Bitter sweet memories wash over us like a tidal wave, overwhelming us with emotion and sentiments that remains priceless. As the year draws to an end, we find ourselves reminiscing about the past and wondering about the future. Moments that we wish we could rewind or undo seconds that we wish had never occurred and those tiny bits of memoirs that we wish that we could hold onto for the rest of our lives. All these make up the year that we had so restlessly anticipated exactly 365 days ago. Time flies when you’re having fun and as the saying goes but life is never a box of chocolates nor is it a stroll in the park. It’s almost always filled with fragments of pain infused within it and of course there is no denying the happiness and joys that lace our existence.

I have had a beautiful year. Regardless of the pain and misery that had come to embellish it, I have truly learnt a lot from this year in particular. I have grown and I have acquired not intelligence but rather I have been bestowed with wisdom. As they say, there are things that only life can teach which cannot be derived from a mere text book, and I have had the incredible opportunity of realizing this saying hands on. There are so many things that I have learnt that I do not know and may never know but there is one thing that I lucubrated, that is no matter what, perseverance comes easy when you bear in mind the loved ones that we live for. Many a times, I have coiled at the distaste for life itself, and truthfully I shudder to think of the consequence had I not dutifully pondered about my filial responsibilities. There were times that I truly wished I could simply resign this fate and take the easy way out of escaping this emotional whirlwind that was tearing me apart from the inside

My life fraught with complications placed me in a constant state of imbroglio. Mind at wreaking havoc, heart constantly enduring upheavals and despairs added on with a conscience and soul that was as unsettled as an ocean caught in a storm. I underwent many emotional challenging moments that virtually rendered me helpless and for the first time, it dawned on me that the protected and sheltered life that I had been blessed with had become the very reason for my social misjudgments and errs. Unable to interpret situations and actions, I took the most naive approach at life and the world only to receive the cruelest shocks that shook the very foundations of my beliefs.

Needless to say, I was left in a complete muddle over things and being the introvert that I am when it came to matters of the mind and heart, I was more than resolute to dictate my own moves and restrict my burdens to myself. Not the wisest of moves, you may think, but I am brought up in a family where the word conservative is defined quite differently. On the outlook, we may be as modern as any other forward thinking family, but truly, we are as traditional and rooted to our moral upbringing and culture as any other family. Not that this is a bad thing, for I am proud and glad that my family has blessed me with such knowledge about my background and culture for these are aspects that really do color and individual and give them a certain distinctive virtue.

But there was one drawback that came with this virtuous trait, the lack of liberality. My parents were sticklers for the “R & R”. In my case it isn’t a joyous case Rest and Relaxation but rather quite the contrary of Rules and Regulations. I don’t blame them as they now live in a world that the most despicable acts are committed right next door! (Figure of speech mind you, my neighbors are neither criminals nor perverts) But then again, how is a girl supposed to find her way around life if she’s molly coddled at every turn? I think my predicament is now slightly clearer to those who thought my life was a bed of roses. Though I do have my complaints and my frets, (like all other teenagers do), I learnt through experience that they want the best for us and all that they bear in mind is our safety and happiness. Sometimes, they may go about it the wrong way, as the environment that they were brought up in was a lot more conservative than ours, making them rather rigid about their life, but all this aside, their intentions are as noble as ever. And for this sole reason, I love them beyond the depths of my soul.

Apart from the invaluable precedents that have equipped me so efficiently with such blossoming love and gratitude towards my parents I had my fair share of pain to deal with. Yes, that’s right. Adolescence strikes again and this time I was really shattered by the state of affairs that were pelting on me like a hailstorm. I found myself in a world that was parallel to mine yet completely alien to all that I knew and thought I knew. No knowledge of physics or general knowledge was applicable in the presence of teen angst. I mean, ask Albert Einstein to interpret a teenager’s thoughts and I think even he’d go bonkers by the end of the day. After numerous shady, jilting, heart-wrenching and emotionally shaking events, I finally threw my hands up and waved the white flag. Feeling pretty much shattered in all aspects I turned to look back at year when my emotional life to a leaping soar and a dive down the cliffs all at the same time. Disastrous? Pretty much. Yet, I did learn something remarkable though (I always do), never be too hasty when it comes to matters of the heart. Take as long as you like and never succumb to peer pressure. Just because your friends have boyfriends doesn’t mean that you’re ready even though you think you are.

I have to say, I am pretty astonished as how I reflect upon how much I have grown as an individual. Not only as a girl embracing the world, but as a human being on terms of intellect and as well as wisdom. I attained 20 years worth of wisdom in a year. It took a lot of pain and many more gripping moments in my life, but well, life goes on. And though running away is never an option, I started afresh. With new prospects and resolutions, I look forward to a new year with much anticipation and enthusiasm as I kiss goodbye a beautiful year of sorrow and bliss. I shed a tear for the time that has passed and as the year brushes past me, I feel blanketed by the security that the tears and pain that I had endured, was a gem in the making. A priceless treasure.

      The festive season has much to offer in terms of joy and happiness. I still remember those moments where we used to decorate the christmas tree with lots of colored trinkets and ornaments of all shapes and sizes that it became rather comical. But of course we were pardoned as our unwitting actions were the result of childish fancies and over excitement. Nevertheless, as I write this particular entry I sit in darkness on the cold marble floor in front of the same tree only now it is decorated with more precision and perhaps a better choice in style and color ( which is better, in a fashionable sense and as it also happens to feature my favourite colors blue and silver) As the years passed before us, the tradition of decorating the Christmas tree became a distinct ritual within the family which was pretty ironic as we, my family that is, are devout Hindus. I know, weird, but the reason that we so faithfully celebrate this occasion is to commomerate my late grandmother who was by the nature of her name the most graceful creature to cross this side of the earth. She was a person of a firm but yet tender and compassionate nature. I truly miss her and her memory burns so incandescently especially during these times.

     The joys of the festive season bring about much hope and remembrance. It initiates a soulful walk down memory lane and ends with a desired destination of hope and prescience. Even now, I can recall a very distinct memory of my mother wagging her finger at my brother, who was then at an age that rendered him everything within grasp, saying, "It isn’t the presence that make the holiday. It is the joy within it. It’s how much you give and not how much you get." I felt those words very deeply that day and no matter what, I make it a personal annual ambition to dutifully load and pile the base of the tree with as much gifts and little give-aways as my bank account or savings could possibly manage. I’m not a spend thrift or philanthropist but being part of a family that charity has been so infused into it only seems natural that this generosity is inherited genetically ( I do mean this seriously, no pun intended) The smile on the faces that receive their little gifts are truly priceless. To be honest, I don’t really spend much on individual gifts. I prefer adding the personal touch to my presents rather than shop buying them all the time ( yes, yes, I know I’m no Da Vinci or anything but its not all that appalling) It is almost as if I give a little part of me with each bestowal and that truly means a lot to me.

     Of course as much as one can give, being only human and being born with an innate sense of expectation we tend to ask ourselves, what about me? What do we get at the end of the day? What about what I want? The last question I asked myself sparked a thought within me that I had not brought to my own attention, what is it that my heart truly desired? I reflected upon all that I had, and for once I wanted to be brutally honest with myself by answering the question based on its fundamentals. What is it that I WANT and not what I NEED? After approximately three hours (which is a rather sizeable accomplishment on my part as leaving me to decide what I want for dinner is an impossible task, I’m that indecisive) I garnered the courage to embrace the truth. I am not going to divulge what it is that my heart craves for to the public eye of course, but rest assured that with the tick of the clock indicating the welcome of Christmas, I finally found the courage to do my heart justice.

      For months now, I had been agonizing over a rather trivial issue that concerned sentimental values and addressed matters of the heart. I had been plagued and basically I found myself incapable of anything as tears streamed my face at the mere thought of the enigma that had engulfed me emotionally. It was a harrowing ordeal and I shudder at the recollections of its memory. I yearned for understanding of the situation but after some despairing times, chose to shun it out of thought. As I so bluntly say, I chose to shun it out of thought, I could not do the same with my heart. I found myself constantly thinking of a certain person that I so desperately wished to talk to. Wishing so hard that I could exchange a few words and understand or rather make this person understand me, I looked through everyday at some possible ways of reestablishing something that I had lost.

     It was not as easy as I thought though. I pride myself on my strength but somehow in this particular circumstance, my unmatched courage failed me miserably. I found myself staring at my phone for long antagonizing hours unable to press the button to connect the call (yeah, I had already scrolled to the number, imagine that) I found myself writing incredibly long messages on my phone, e-mail and even through my friendster but hung on to the very last second hesitating to push the send icon that finally resulting in a lost for momentum as I would end up clicking the delete or cancel button. Silly,isn’t it? But this was not the worst, I would stare at this person’s profile blankly and wonder if it was safe to view it afraid to reveal the plain fact that I had done so.

      Now, as I look upon it, it does seem really silly and even ridiculous but then again the angst that my heart had born was no match for triviality at any given point. I was not ready to take any chances and to be ridiculed again was a matter that I was not in the least prepared for. So, why the change of heart now? Simple. I believe in miracles. No, I am not deluded nor mentally depraved, Yes. As simple as I have said it. I believe in miracles. I believe in the joys of the season. I believe in the magic that has lived on through the innocence that children so beautifully harbor in their delicate hearts and fragile souls. Their untainted minds that give birth to the beauties of magic, transporting them to a realm of fantasy, hope and dreams. Virtues and ignorence become their strength and nothing daunts them. This is what makes Christmas so beautiful. Like my mother so wisely said, it isn’t how much you get but how much you give. For the more that you give, the joy your heart gets.

     The more happiness and content fills your soul. It satisfies the craving that your heart desires for. It quenches the thirst of laughter and smiles. It brings about an ambience that we can dream and now live. But most of all it brings hope of the impossible. By bestowing faith in such seasons, we dare to believe in the magic and the miracles that it so plainly allows and even encourages us to. Hope is incarnated and it burns so passionately within the depths of our souls. A time for forgiveness, pardon, happiness, content and laughter. Such times that once seemed like a fairy tale now lives in our hearts, in our dreams and in our souls.

     I begin to see why this holiday is so important. For it implements and accentuates the fact that memories and faith is what keeps us alive. It is what feeds our soul and heart. As I stare at the brightly lit tree, I begin to understand that, even if I can’t be with the person that want to, I have what’s important to me, surrounding me at all times. My family. The light of my life. He will always of course have a place in my heart, but this Christmas has shown me something new. It isn’t what you have, but what you believe you will. What you already possess within yourself to keep your hope alight. To me, the memory of this person, the smile he wore, th laughter he had, the sound of his voice are the simple yet fondest reminiscents that I have and this is sufficient to me to keep me grateful and satisfied with the sole consolation of having his presence grace my life. With this I can live another million Christmases. The hope and dreams that Christmas brings are truly what miracles are all about.

       “To err is human but to forgive is divine". This is a saying that I have always kept close to my heart. I believed in its principle and I truly respected the form of elevating one’s position to such an esteemed level with such a noble act. Yet, there were upon many occasions where I used to sit and wonder why is it such a noble act? How difficult is it to accept an apology of a repentant figure, one that has swallowed all pride and succumbed to the incision of guilt? I mean I’m sure the person begging the pardon is suffering a great deal more shame and pain, in terms of emotionally and if it is a matter of social inclination that is included as well. How then is the forgiver the one that is noble? By opening his heart to a sincere apology? Is it fair to subject them to such judgments? Somehow, the way that I seem to be narrating this issue, I may be portraying that of a defensive side. Well, to be completely honest I have viewed both perspectives and addressing the fact that I am after all human, I believe it safe to claim that I bear with me the knowledge of actually being on both sides to furnish me with enough details to deliberate.

     The forgiver is seen as the more prominent of the two beings. Seeing that he is willing to overlook the wrong and injustice that has been done to him, he is thus elevated to the status of a divine being. Yes, it remains undeniable that the forgiver has suffered a great deal and perhaps even a loss on his behalf may have been rendered, but how many people have been wronged in life? How many still persist on with their arduous life styles? I don’t mean the imply that people should just grit their teeth and allow their fate and rights to be manipulated by the likes of others all in the name of the existence of apologies, but I do want to show how trivial it does seem, the pain the forgiver bears when contrasted with that of the forgiven. I am not defending the sins committed or perpetrated by the forgiven, and neither am I condoning it. But, the point that I am so determined to emphasize and highlight is merely that the it takes a great deal of courage, strength and inner confidence to actually own up to a mistake and even more to confess to a number of individuals especially if it does mean that embarrassment and humiliation is unavoidable. To know danger and to walk right into it is courageous but to know humiliation and accept the consequences of emotional torment all in the sake of mending mistakes so that justice and truth prevails is by far more stalwart than any act I have ever had the honor of coming across.

      The pain that the forgiver bears pales in comparison to the plight that the forgiven holds close to heart. Think about it, sleepless nights, moments that aggrieve the soul, the guilt that not only torments but also haunts and plagues the conscience. This of course concerns individuals that actually possess a conscience and of course the essence of remorse. Of course I speak of one that is credited with a sense of dignity and morality, and for anyone with an esteem such as this the pain that accompanies guilt weighes down upon the soul like a ton of bricks. No one can even imagine how much this agony is capable of ripping a person’s heart to shreds and furthermore when the people involved in this sentimental calamity are loved ones and those that are held close to the heart, the travail multiplies by an incomprehensibly enormous number. Tears that streak the pale and cold cheeks every waking moment is enough to tear at any hurt. Who said words can’t kill? They sure can and words also holds within its grasp the miraculous gift of healing any wounds especially those associated with the fragile nature of the heart.  It may seem pretty exaggerated at this point of time, but unless they have undergone such turmoil at a personal expense then I suppose clarity doesn’t come as easily as it should.

     But one thing that is more detrimental than the pain of forgiveness is in fact its adverse action. The overwhelming pain of guilt can only be matched and rather be exceeded by the trauma of forbearance. The only possibility of eradicating guilt is when forgiveness comes into play, however antagonizing as it may be, it relinquishes the grasp of guilt by a fraction that is minute but yet truly essential to the recuperation of the soul. But when forgiveness itself eludes us, we have to deal with the distressing position of always standing within the spotlight of the erred. Unable to move on as the conscience craves for pardon and atonement, denial to such a request is pretty much inhuman. Well, to be fair to the wronged, perhaps forgiveness may be a little too much to ask but the simple gesture of humanity is bearable. And every entity that annexes a conscience I believe deep within me, deserves a chance at expiation.

     Why lash out at those who have repented? What sort of sadistic delectation is attained from someone else’s torment? What then differs us from those who have no soul? Is it just? I am no saint and I have to admit that I do bear grudges and this is perfectly normal as I am only human but I do not certainly ignore and turn away from sincerity when it strikes on my door even if it comes from someone who’s grounding stands against them. Being the individual that I am, if I do not believe in second chances then I would be the most heartless hypocritical creature ever to have graced the surface of this earth as I have graced through numerous second chances. I can’t say that everyone would share my perspective but I do rather unpretentiously hope that others would at least bear a thought in this direction of emotional atonement. You don’t have to be a saint by forgiving but atleast don’t be a murderer of the heart by implying ignorance for nothing is more unbearable than being shunned and cast aside. Please don’t kill for no one deserves the pain that this act of insensitivity can procure.