Pages of My Life…

        "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend your right to say it anyway". Friends.

         Loyalty, sincerity, compassion, exuberance and so many more criteria make up the ideal companion at any given time, a friend. I always believed that the basis to every existing relationship would have to be the combined efforts of both trust and loyalty. I chose the word loyalty instead of devotion as I found that devotion was a word that was too strong. Devotion called for support without question but that goes against the very principle of individuation. How is anyone supposed to conform to something without the slightest ounce of intrigue or even curiosity? Is a friend true when they require you to stand by their side even when you feel that what you are backing goes against the very nature of your beliefs?

       How does friendship call for all this? Well, to me friendship is something that brings out the best in people. It brings out the differences in individuals and accentuates these deviations for every person is distinctive in their own natural way and it is more than wrong to expect them to compel to emotional bonds by suppresing their true individuality and most importantly, their conscience and conceptions. Friendship has been the bond that has held its respect true to my heart all this while. It requires the firm and unbinding commitment that we bestow upon it and never has demanded for more than we are able to give. This is quite the contrary with other relationships, including romantically insinuating ones.

        But then again, the main question at hand would be what is the perfect friendship then? A person who’s always there to share your ups and downs? A person who knows your troubled by the mere sound of your voice or? A person who senses that you need them even without the slightest indication that you had thrown in their direction? I am more grateful than proud to say that I have friends such as these and never have I once felt like I was alone thanks to their constant care and reassurance. Never was I alone, with their continuous and unwavering faith and guidance. Everytime I shed a tear, every second that I was even remotely inflicted with pain, they were right there by my side to carress and soothe my injured self-esteem. But right there at that very moment I had found individuals who had held me close to their hearts and cared deeply for not only my well-being but most importantly my sanity and clarity of emotions.

        I have no displeasure in saying that there have been people that surround me with the notion of being "friends" but then again all that they had wanted is an oppotunity to use me in their own favor. Well, being used isn’t something new to me but then again I had consoled myself that I had better and more worthy friends that I could always rely on. Friends that cared about me because they loved me as the individual that they had come to know and that they had seen grow over the years. One thing that I have realized with unbinding relationships especially ones that are bound by emotion but relent of all other forms of commitment, we find most of our friends drifting through time and space over the years leaving only bits of memoirs and reminiscence to filled the void in which their presence has left. It is truly difficult to watch them leave as you find a part of yourself torn apart as they leave, but then again that leaves more space for more friends.

       The most beautiful miracles that I have found in life are the friends that I have both lost and earned throughout my life. I can’t even imagine a second without the very beings that so unselfishly and endearingly bestowed their time, thought and care for me. They are the family that I never had and they are the blessings that God chose to bless me with. No matter where they are, no matter what they do, no matter what happens through the course of time, all they have to do is think of me when they needed someone by their side, I will always be there. All it takes is a single thought in my direction and I will be there. A friend indeed is a friend there in need or otherwise too.

This is a little something that I feel I owe all the wonderful people that have so patiently and lovingly graced my life. These people have been more than wonderful in allowing me the chance to glimpse through their own lives. I love you guys and all that you have done for me. Your mere presence in my life has been the core of my existence and there is nothing more that I can say or do to tell you how much you guys mean the world to me.

1) The prefect board n PBSM n Eng Society n Recycling Campaign n every other association I had been a part of. (2001-2005)

2) SMKSJ and SKSSJ ( for your wonderful years of education)

3) Inti College Subang - for the wonderful year that I had,it was the best year of my life.

4) All the juniors that I have left behind to carry on our legacy. Our continous love and support will always be yours.

5) Last but not least, to my truest friends that I have come to know throughout my life:-

Sarah- my conscience

Naji- my fun factor

Joshi- my darling junior

Rakesh- a friend indeed

Yvonne- the adorable sweet girl

JP- my fav and darling "penolong"

Kiran- the voice of my intellectual reason

Jason- the sweetest guy i know

Syamin and Sara- class wud never have been the same without u guys

and for the people that i had not mentioned, my apologies but rest assured that u will forever hold a place on my heart….

Smiles and frowns,

Ups and downs,

Tears and laughter,

A story of before and after,

Life thats filled with these little miracles,

Of little trials and debacles,

The cherished moments spent in its presence,

Tributes and penance,

All of these make us human,

Though it may sound common,

These natural beauties are the magic that life bestows,

The morning that we awaken to the raven’s crows,

The night we embrace with a glimpse of the moon,

Just hoping that soon,

Life would bring another miracle to sight,

With this hope close to heart we kiss darkness goodnight,

Slipping into a night that falls with veils of shimmering dreams,

Flowing and weaving around us like soft colorful streams,

Heaven’s gates open and we ascend,

This is the magic that the night sends…..

      I wonder if there was anyone else who has felt the things I’ve felt in my life. All the amazement that I have seen. All the pain and turmoil that I have encountered. Often I look at others and see that they seem as calm and blissful as ever. I perceived life in their eyes was a stroll in the garden, but then again, I asked myself, how often would someone else glance at me and arrive at that same notion? Often enough. The thing that I find is so spectacular about human emotions is that no matter how hurtful, painful or agonizing it is, with sufficient will power and determination, even that is successfully repressed. Now, I wonder, though privacy in regards to emotions are typically essential to every human being, how necessary is it really? And is it really healthy to suppress something so significant to our entire subjective and collective self?

       I have had moments of agony where, internally I was torn and twisted into irreplicable knots. Worst still, I had found myself desolute of hope and wondering around like a barren land void of hope. But yet, inexplicaly, I had found it in myself, to completely repress these harrowing emotions and smile and laugh as if nothing had ever occured to daunt me in the least. I can recall that day as if it had just passed moments ago. I had laughed jovially, joked, went about my routine as normally as ever and not an ounce of difference was detectable. I had to admit the facade was simply ingenious (even if I do say so myself) but the formidable issue of this entire self-discovering affair was that I was completely oblivios to my angst at the time of my little charade. I had completely forgotten about somethig so plaguing within a matter of sinking into the character I had moulded myself into! No doubt that the event was magnanimous to me, but how is it that something so eventful was capable of being overshadowed by something so trivial?

     This brought me to question the mannerism in which we successfully manage to not only repress but push and bury such heart ripping pain. To completely push these significant matters into the unconscious or sub-conscious part of our mind in order to project or potray and image of normality or even perfection. Imagine how people live their lives. I am sure that I am not alone in this world when I claim to using this mannerism in dealing with matters that truly wrench me. Unable to cope or face certain predicaments, I either shun it out of myself or I supress and contain all emotion and thought relating to it.

      So just imagine how many individuals walk around as casual and normal as every other person but at night they shudder and cry their eyes and hearts out. I have seen individuals who wear their hearts on their sleeves. What do I mean? Simple. These are the people who shed a tear for the slightest issue, they seem frenzied and neurotic. Always troubled and basically their emotions are a wave pattern. Both bad and good occasions are clearly emotionally depicted in their very facial expressions and they are neither afraid nor reserved in showing these emotions, in fact, they find great pride in flaunting it. So now we start asking, are these people for real? It seems a little dubious but yes, these people thrive on the attention their unseemingly shameless display or parade of emotions garners. Its not really as pathetic as it seems, in fact, to most people these are the people that you could say are emotionally honest to both themselves than most people are.

      I have to admit for a while I was amongst those who would be classified as an emotional liar or in politer terms, emotionally restrained [this is to salvage the remains of the massacre my brutal honesty has imposed upon my self esteem so pardon the pun ] I won’t say that I am more open with my emotions than I was before as that would be a lie, but instead I chose to mediate my frustrations to other means then suppression. Whenever I felt oppressed or the sudden surge of anger that once in a while rears its ugly head from god knows where, I retreat to my silent corner for some silent moments to sort my head out. Bear in mind that any annoyance or interruption in any forms during my realization period would most certainly end in disastrous outcomes and ermm, severe penalties. I don’t wear my emotions out front as I am a character that prefers the subtility of my emotions to be safeguarded. I live on privacy and I thrive on it. I go by the principal, "Share your joy all around, but share your pain only with your conscience" so getting me to splurge out a wave of tears about how pathetic my life has coursed out to be is highly something that the forces of nature will reckon with

     But I have to say that despite all my flaws and my secret hidden wonderings.. (trust me, I have nothing more than thoughts that plague not my curiosity but reasoning) and more importantly my limited display of negative emotions, I am a person that is truly satisfied with who I am and what I have turned out to be. I have learnt to accept and forgive, move on and live hard. I hang on to the instinctual moments of importance and let go of all hindrance and today I stand as an individual with both flaws and qualities that I am honestly ashamed and proud of ( honestly now, people who tell me that they’re proud of their flaws definately need to get their heads checked, hello! people! their called FLAWS for a reason!) but most of all at the end of the day when I face judgment I can claim satisfaction in who I am, but most importantly I can do so honestly.

       Another year comes knocking on my door and before I know it, I have crossed over from the last year of my teen hood into the sultry life of being a young adult. Interesting notions begin penetrating my mind frame. Are there any changes that might occur in this transition? I should act more maturedly from now on as I will be expected quite a lot in terms of responsibility from now on. Such thought comes flooding through my mind and the responsibilities of growing up came shadowing through so fast that I lost track of the beauty of a birthday as it is.

        Why do people celebrate birthdays in the first place? If we were reincarnated or as I tend to believe thrown down from the gates of eternal bliss into a world brimming with turmoil, loss and frustration, should such a sorrowful day even be celebrated? Sounds a little weird doesn’t it? Well, do pardon my morbidity at this point. Just that practicality, or rather how I view practicality tends to draw on from the questions of darkness. Well, coming back to the issue at hand.

       My birthday was not an extravagant affair. In fact, it was no affair at all. I spent the whole day on a well-planned routine on how my average day would run like. Though to some it may sound depressing, I found that it wasn’t so to me. Birthdays aren’t always filled with streamers, balloons and a plump juicy chocolate cake with its glaze gleaming in the dim beam of a candle light that brings out the sparkle in everyone’s spirit (with that description, I do find it rather tempting to have it though). I grew a year older but what I saw that day was the moderation of how life is lived. The birthday was not undermined in fact I found that it was glorified by the simple wishes of my friends and family and these simple wishes that came from the bottom of their hearts meant the world to me compared to a big lavish party that most people would like to have. Don’t have me mistaken for someone who is introverted for I most certainly am not. Inexplicably, I found that I was calm and the day was filled with the simple pleasures of warm hugs and sweet smiles all around. The kind dulcet tones in my parents voice was particularly apparent today and I cherished the look of love in their eyes that spoke a million words.

         The "party" or the happening part of the excitement was the jubilation was seen when my friends came bursting with joy and wishes. Their excitement exceeding my own, having thump my back with a cheerful wish and grins stretching from ear to ear. Although in no way did this particular day affect them in any manner but they found it in them to enjoy this day with all the enthusiasm all in the means of ensuring that I have the best birthday ever. Although some had gifts and others didnt, I didn’t look at the gifts at all, it was the mere act of them competing with each other, trying to be the first to wish me or trying to be the last person I receive a wish from before this beautifully fateful day comes to an end. Their joy was the party and the "livewires" of which electrified my day, or so to speak.

       Gifts. No birthday is complete without gifts. Some came with small gifts, others came with extraordinary ones and facts be facts, most came with none. But these little material treasures were not what my heart received as the trophies of the day. The little whispers of "Happy Birthdays!", the over-flowing pile of messages from even I might add complete strangers (which I might add yet again that I have no idea how they got my number in the first place) and the calls made in the wee hours of the morning to wish me a good year around. What I see in this is the beautiful effort taken into keeping awake to actually wish me at the break of dawn. A gesture that till now brings tears to my eyes. These are the simple jewels that remain the shining gems of gifts that I had been blessed with on my birthday, not the trinkets, or the artfully presented, magnificent gifts. Though these are also welcome and appreciated as they too needed some form of effort in attaining and assembling.

         So as you can see, my birthday was much more beautiful than a million dollar party. The day itself was a celebration in entirety to me. Being around my loved ones, with friends and family all finding the simplest yet most beautiful ways of showing their love and affection and making tiny yet considerably memorable attempts at livening up my day and keeping my best interests at heart. What more could I ask for? Many people mistakenly interpreted an absence of a birthday bash as me being a shy introverted type or that I was rather unappreciative of such a beautiful event. Some even dove to extreme ends by telling me that they thought I simply did not know how to live life as I was rigid and mechanical and did not know how to have fun. For those who know me well enough, they will clearly dispute this fact with sheer conviction. Well, I can understand the misconception but most people don’t see things in the same light as I do. To them a night-long party is the way into opening into a new year as it should be done with a blast and loads of fun. Some believe that how we celebrate the first day will reflect throughout the year and some believe that it is just another means of celebrating an occasion. For both reasons I chose to lead my day like every other day with these simple presence was because if every other normal day were to be embraced with the same love that I received and held close to heart that everyday would be a blessing from heaven to me. And if my birthday was to act like an "opening ceremony" to my whole year, I couldn’t have wanted it any differently as I found these simple, sincere and truthful gestures to be the best gifts I could have received compared to the wishes from invitees who were pre-informed of a bash and only knew it was my birthday as there was something in it for them. The way I chose brought me closer to the people that deserve a place in my heart and well simply saying, I chose sensitivity and tranquility over extravagance and uproar. That is what makes a birthday beautiful, the magic in how we perceive it and to me that magic revolves around this simple yet beautifully graceful presence of love and loved lives.

Chances gleam in moments of despair,

A hand extended intending to share,

Yet confusion embroils the mind,

As the heart searches for clarity in the mind,

Wondering if virtues held are for good,

As now wonderings begin to brood,

The mind is fogged it cannot see,

What is apparent and what is to be,

Hands groping for a feel that is familiar,

As curiosity slowly harbors fear,

A storm brews almighty within,

And the pain from the heart extends to the skin,

The eyes brim with tears that will not spill,

And yet there is something unbreakable of this will,

Abiding of the supposed truth,

It may indeed save virtue and restore youth,

I close my eyes and try to find a light,

A light that shines through this black night,

Not blinding but showing,

That life has many suprises to bring,

This timely fog is one of the few,

But always know that when morning comes,

With it comes the twinkling, sparkling dew,

A drop of hope and dream,

Now nothing is impossible to me it seems……

The morning begins with a single thought,

Of what the past and present has brought,

Though my eyes brims with tears,

The fog in my mind clears,

My conscience sees light,

My eyes now unblurred in sight,

My tongue speaks with truth,

My innocence untainted by youth,

My wisdom climbs another rung,

My pride now sung,

A new life has come to embrace,

My presence with beauty and grace,

A second chance that I cherish,

At last granted is my unspoken wish,

Fate turns in a new path,

Void of anger, resentment and wrath,

I live a life of complete earnesty,

And each day is filled with its own beauty and pleasantry,

Nothing more do I have to as for,

As god has opened a door,

A door to a world of redemption,

And I have paid my dues and retribution,

With tears and pain that I had not anticipated,

It had left my soul very much depleted,

But nevertheless life has forgiven,

Allowing me another chance into heaven,

As the gates of chances open,

And pain and suffering dampen,

I grasp onto a new tomorrow,

A chance for me to grow,

Bloom and flourish,

This is my unspoken wish….

s        There are moments in life where I simply wish I could undo somethings or redo some of the times of my life. But specifically if I was granted one wish it would have been to be able to go back in time and tell myself to wait. Just wait. Have a little faith and patience and all good things will come my way. Don’t let fear and intimidation be the factor in my decision and don’t let the notion that I’m not good enough intervene to make things the quandary that has now manifested itself into. Things in life seem so complicated especially when it involves the matters of the heart. They somehow manage to entangle and enfrustrate my poor sound sense of judgment making my existence as miserable as can be. I have struggled and fought through a life wrought with misguided notions, misinterpreted responses and moreover, miscontrued preconceptions that have turned my tiny little world into a frenzy that I had least expectated. The one soul that I so longingly yearned for now seems utterly void in existence and the one person that I believed would provide me with the happiness that I so desperately yearned for has deserted me in times of despair. I remember those moments where I would like on the bed in a pool of tears virtually crying my eyes out for days and days. Those memories still jerk some strangulated fixation of emotions in the pit of my stomach till this very day.
           Telling myself very bravely that I have surpassed all the anxieties and the mishaps of my pass day after day after day, today I’ve decided that for one single day, I shall be honest to my feelings and to myself. I haven’t completely overcome my angst. If I had, I would not feel like crying everytime I recall those bitter incidents, I would not feel like my heart was ripped out of me everytime the notion that I had lost you for good comes to play in my mind, I would not feel like an outcast in my own body whenever I recall that you HAD liked me at one point of time but that time had faded with the passing of the clouds. Painful yet utterly and horrifyingly true to the bone. The chilling truth manages to slip through my skin and chill the very agony and pain, infusing it with each beat my heart makes and each breathe that my lungs inhale. Every piercing thought that surrounds you is a vast sea of devastation in my eyes and heart making me blind to life and numb to emotion. I am but a zombie.

        But then again, if I am, how is it that I can appreciate? How is it that I have chosen to live instead of succumbing to despair and frustration? So many questions brew inside me like a churning storm waiting to unleash its wrath against all whom have wronged me. Why all this pain and suffering? Are these petty little insinuations worth this much frustration and fretting over? How is it that I manage to sneer in the faces of these notions and yet face adversity when it comes to facing these notions with me in the spotlight? Again and again, the deeper I delved the questions I unearthed rather than answers.

       It was at this realization point that reality hit with a sickening thud. There was no getting out from this pit of everlasting despair. They only way around it was to confront it and to move on with life accepting the harsh impact of that each confrontation so sorely left. My insatiable thirst for answers and my hunger for solutions drove me to the brink of obsession. But as I hit this danger point, I found one factor that linked them all. Me. Everything seemed to revolve around me, myself and I.

       There was not another notion or thought that surrounded anything else but the subject of me. I realized that I had hit an all time low point. Without realizing, I had become self obsessed and shamedly selfish. Why should I have all the answers? Aren’t the greatest mysteries in life beautiful because they are mysteries? I found the courage at that point to let go and leave with a heavy heart but a clear conscience. Answers will come in time and solutions will be derived from all our thoughts befitting our situation. All that we need to contribute would be the selfless act of being patient and allowing this process its natural course of time instead of banging down its door at every given moment. This I believe is one of the greatest lessons life has to offer.

Memories come flowing back like the silky river,

As the pearly tear drops glisten silver,

A smile brings light,

A warm comfort in the cold starry night,

A dream that never was,

All hope that remained a sorrowful loss,

A reach I never grasped,

A palm that never clasped,

A story remains untold,

A tale that has a long way to unfold,

A sob that never came,

An unplayed game,

This is a tale of what should have happened but never did,

This is a story of what might have but fate hid,

Truth never surfaced,

A realization never embraced,

Living a dream,

Foolish as it may seem,

But may heart and soul it carries,

My sorrows and pain in its presence it buries,

I close my eyes for only this thought,

This single feeling that my heart so desperately sought,

You live an eternity in my heart,

And nothing can tear u from my soul,

Nothing can tear you apart,

From me,

As I believe you are my destiny…….

        "Fleeting thoughts that brush past like the wind awaken senses of sorrow from deep within".

        These words define the nature of what I used to feel as life. Pain, turmoil and devastation was how I viewed life to be. Null of all the simple pleasures that childhood seemed ladden with; adolescence seemed to me like a barren land of asphyxiating guilt. Every turn seemed to depict a face of horror as if to mock and ridicule my thoughts, it was like stepping into a world of complexity armed with only an arms knowledge. Feeling foolish and petty, those with superiority championed and trampled upon those that differred and felt inferior with ease. I watched as the world that I held close to my hearty flew by like a notion in the winds.

       It took me awhile to embrace this sullen truth but as the reality slowly sank in, my eyes and heart opened to another realm of possibilities. One that I had shut a long time ago, forbidding myself of any indulgence and any inquisition in its nature. Never being a good judge of character in terms of emotion, I allowed my petty enticements to seduce my practicality. Detrimental, I must say. It hurt me beyond believe and altered my apprehension of things in a great magnitude. I have to admit that like the saying, every cloud has its silver lining, so did this. I made a miraculous recovery but I discovered something more precious in the process.

           Myself. For the first time in my life, I realized how fragile I was. I had protected and shielded myself from the reality of these issues that when it came knocking on my door, I was dumbfounded at understanding or even comprehending the basis of it. And all that this is, is simple basic human emotion and intuition. I embalmed myself with a naivety that had entombed me in an existence of denial. And it was during this grieving period that I realized that if I was ever going to regain myself and my self worth in any way it was if I free myself of this naivety and denial and start looking at life and its many obstacles with as much wisdom and courage as possible.

         I begin looking at things from different perspectives. I re-evaluated my life and realized all the things that I have misconstrued all these times. Taking bonds and ties for granted I held myself in such high contempt that I had neglected the true gems in my life. This part of my life served not only as a reflection and a search for answers but also as a revelation and a discovery at the deep connections that I had possessed but never utilized to my or anyone else’s benefit. I had nearly outcasted a jewel that had shone from the depths of my soul so brightly without even me noticing. It was the beauty of the wrongdoing. It was the retribution that had opened my eyes to the insanely justified manner in how the situation had turned to manifest itself. I was astonished at how much I had discovered about myself.

       I uncovered a part of sensuality that was awakened not from a physical basis but from an emotional and spiritual foundation that paved the way to an intellectual formation. I was overwhelmed but nevertheless, grateful to the ends of my soul. That is why whenever anyone asks me what is the greatest gift that life has to offer, my answer most immediately is, the chance to live itself. The ability to endure the harrowing possiblities, turmoils and emotional frustrations at the same time look back and smile at all those past obstacles that now seem so distant and minute is the wonderful gift that life offers, a chance to live.

      Another Valentines has come to pass but of all the changes that time brings in its undue course, one thing ironically never changes, the single status on this event. Now, although it isn’t all that great (as the whole world has come to universally acknowledge) I have to say that I don’t quite agree that it is all that "painful" to be single on this particular day. I mean apart from the natural heavy blow to the ego (especially if you’re one accustomed to living life on the fast lane, so to speak) this is one blow that really knocks the wind out of you. But one thing I have grown to understand about Valentines Day is the nature of the celebration itself. Its a honest and beautiful occasion that thrives on the survival of love all around.

       As this is my blog, I see no reason to fib my way through the harshest particles of life. I was a little downcasted as the host of enquiries were showered in every direction indicating moreover that I was all alone. I mean, it was like wearing a singles tag pasted on my forehead. Pretty disturbing emotions and notions were running through my mind at one point as I even contemplated the possibility to subjecting myself to a blind date. Yes, its true!! But the second such a thought flashed across my mind I found my emotional (and logical to some extent) quotient, gripping me by the shoulders and shaking the common sense out of me! What was I even thinking?! To even have such a thought would indicate some sense of insecurity and for all the principles that I stood by would be shattered in the blink of an eye.

       A tiny sob formulated within me and tried to edge its way out. Having no inkling how, I suppressed it and stared back up at the vacant ceiling pondering upon my forlorn fate. Its not that I have to be single, then why am I? Somehow I knew the answers were pretty much self explanatory but hearing them voiced out was in a way soothing. Sanity and comfort came back to enclothe my senses with a sense of compassion.

        One word pretty much summed up all that I dearly needed to know that day. Family. I don’t just mean family that surround us everyday with their presence but the family that we hold close to heart (including our dearest friends). When we despair they stroke our pained hearts, when we fear they soothe us with tranquility, when we cry they brush away our tears and when we hurt they hurt just by watching us. Now these beautiful people that share so much of our pain deserve more than their worth to enjoy the joy and happiness that we do as well.

          The minute this reasoning came knocking on my door, I realized how foolish I was to be even in the least upset by the notion of being alone. I never was, have or am alone as long as I have them with me and their simple memories and love is enough to carry me through a million Valentines, wedding gatherings, celebrated love or couples parties all my life for I don’t need a man to make me feel whole, I am whole, with the very beings that have made me who I am. I am strong with them, by them and for them for they are me. My very essence and soul. They are my family. Happy Valentines, my beautiful family, u guys, love ya loadz!!!