Pages of My Life…

The sun hides behind the clouds,

A shadow that creeps behind the crowds,

A shadow unnoticed,

A shadow not missed,

Alone in the darkness she lurks,

To swallow her own pain, anger and irks,

Gone is the hand that once held her own,

Once again, she stands alone,

Missing the eyes of comfort and the smiles of joy,

This shroud of happiness of yet another ploy,

Hurt is nothing new,

Yet her heart has met it times a few,

But every encounter,

Anguishes her more than the other,

The tears that seemed liked her lost companion,

Have now found her in a bountiful reunion,

How could she miss one that was never her own,

As she feels the pain in every flesh and bone,

Who was she to care for something she cannot have,

How could she mistake the smiles and the laughs,

For they were at her and never with her,

Her only true friend being the pain she grew up with and her new found fear,

It is wrong for her to wish, to dream, to want,

For something she will never have, she simply can’t,

Yet to wrong her for her hearts anguish,

To bury her for her one wish,

A penance of much to give,

In which would she seek to live,

How the path rolls is yet another chapter,

For will this story end in misery or a happily after after,

Is a story for yet another day to uncover…..

My hand waves through the silkiness of the wind,

My soul has long yearned for a single sin,

A tinge of care, attention, a look,

A sweep of love that exists in only a book,

That smile without reason,

That joy that has no season,

The madness, the rush,

The mere thought that sets your face aflush,

You blush,

A smile that creeps on you from nowhere,

That sends you soaring out into the world without a care,

And yet,

It holds you back, fully escape it won’t let,

It holds you down and pins you against it,

It sends you into a fit,

But you love every moment it brings,

At the mere sound, the way your ears ring,

 Your hopes never saw such light,

Your dreams never found the night,

You float,

Every night words of hope you wrote,

Eyes shining with life,

Mischief in your heart is rife,

Every moment infectious,

Every thought delicious,

Close your eyes tonight,

The time is finally right,

For tomorrow,

Holds new joys that will set your spirits aflow,

Live for tomorrow and the days that come,

Sing with life and with love hum,

For the merry tune you know,

Will carry you wherever your heart wishes to go………..

What is wrong and what is right,

Is it wrong that my mind wonders to you at night,

Is it wrong that I awake with a smile,

Is it wrong that at the mere thought of you, my heart races a mile,

If it is so, then why does it feel so right,

Gloomy days seem to beam so bright,

The cold no longer pricks,

The clock no longer ticks,

The heat no longer burns,

My heart no longer yearns,

Reality seems distant,

My fantasies are so persistent,

My mind dreams, my heart breathes, my hopes soar,

Life it is seems is opening a new door,

Something that I did not know I had,

For this is something I had never bothered nor cared,

Now my life is this force,

My destiny has a new course,

Doubt enshrouds me,

I wonder what is to be,

A path so vague,

But my heart is filled with this oh so delightful plague,

One that breathes a soul into this life,

One that makes my senses rife,

Sorrow is but a distant memory,

Pain, I set thee free,

For joy has its place,

I see beauty, elegance and grace,

I walk no further to seek my dreams,

For I have now been blessed,

Or so it seems…

Hatiku bertanya sejuta soalan,

Adakah kasih ini semata khayalan,

Kebingungan menyerap sisa diriku,

Kesangsian namaku ianya menyeru,

Namun alangkah teguhnya kasih ini,

Kekuatan kuasa menyelubungi diriku kini,

Segala keperitanku terpadam,

Kenangan pahit kini jauh terpendam,

Air mata yang berlinangan di kelopak mataku alamat kegirangan,

Jiwaku yang berporak peranda kini mencapai ketenangan,

Kesayangan yang dulu sungguh didahagakan,

Sanubariku yang berkemarau menderita menanti kesayangan,

Kini dicurah dengan kasih yang melimpah ruah,

Alangkah inikah yang dipanggilnya tuah,

Jejari kasih yang menggesel hatiku,

Menyemadikan segala penderitaanku,

Kini mataku hanya melihat harapan yang bersinar bagaikan permata,

Hatiku yang serat dengan semangat membara,

Bibirku hanya membisik namamu,

Mataku hanya menatap wajahmu,

Hatiku hanya menyeru kebahagianmu,

Kerana untuk selamanya diriku diselubungi kehitaman,

Kaulah cahayaku,

Kaulah harapanku,

Kaulah kasihku,

Kau segalanya wahai titik permulaanku,

Untukmu,

Jiwa ini akan berterusan,

Hati ini akan berdenyutan,

Dan kisah kasih ini tiada akhiran…..

Blood that is shared is spilt,

Flowers that bloomed together now wilt,

Tears that flow speak of penance and pain,

And yet at the end, there is nothing to gain,

The bond that is supposed to be forged in eternity is broken,

The love showered now forsaken,

The singe of hell is felt,

The blow from the hand of love dealt,

Shreds of a being wither in the depths of darkness,

Void of even a glance of care nor forgiveness,

Compassion that was once sought,

The shards of joy from hope is now nought,

Remnants of pain now are abundant,

Any inkling of hope or wish is now abandoned,

A heart once filled with love is now replaced with pain,

Yearning for love has been this existence’s bane,

Now ruined and crumbled it lays,

As day by day through tears it pays,

Its dues and forthcomings,

As the gates of hell sings,

It beckons to her,

"Come hither",

But most appalling is not her invitation to purgatory,

But further in her is a more afflicting story,

Despite Lucifer’s supplication,

She needed no persuasion,

For her heart desired nothing more,

Than Death himself to come knocking on her door,

The most gruelling of deaths or the most excruciating of pain,

She is ready to bear everything in vain,

With the promise she will be a burden no longer,

She will contaminate their lives no further,

She will plague them no more,

They will nothing more to worry for,

A curse she is upon them,

All their miseries from her they stem,

"I beg of you relinquish me of this suffering"

"Let me leave and with me their pain I shall bring"

"Let happiness flood their lives"

"Let their worries plunge into me like knives"

She closes her eyes and drops a single tear,

And with that tear she has proclaimed her greatest wish and fear….

Eyes that speak of none but pain,

Heart that bleeds for nothing but vain,

Come now death for I beckon thee,

Come set this anguished soul free,

Rip shred and tear at thy will,

End this agony in a single seal,

Tears that prism colors of pain, throe and throb,

For ears heed only wails and sob,

Come come death,

My arms embrace thee,

Let this life from this body flee,

The disappointing race its led,

The misery this forsaken heart has bled,

Tears pour now to no avail,

For anguish seems petty and silly it is to wail,

Come come closer death,

Your darkness comforts,

For life so far has only hurts,

Oh death I plead thee come,

Wrench my heart till its numb,

Freeze my insides till it feels no more,

Send me straight to hells gates or heavens door,

Oh death become me,

Death I beseech thee,

Take my light for another,

Spare someone’s daughter, father or mother,

Embrace me for I beg their place,

Take this soul thats fallen from grace,

Blood trickles with every tear,

My eyelids speak of nothing but fear,

My lips quiver as I speak thy name,

For death thee can set my turbulent life tame,

Scarlet red is all I cry,

Ignore my fate death, carry me by,

Across the seas to heavenly serenity,

Or send me straight to burning purgatory,

Anything but the bitter pill that I unconsciously hand,

Nor the pain that I unawaringly lend,

Receive me death as my heart welcomes thee,

Now once and for all let this soul be free……..

In the light of the candle hope glimmers,

In the depths of your heart, your conscience tremors,

Fear embraces you in tight squeeze,

Your insides harden, your emotions freeze,

Terror blinds your sight,

You heave and failingly fight,

The fear of loss grips you like a vice,

And in a thrice,

You fall further than your eyes can see,

Deeper than your heart wills free,

As you fall, your eyes finds light,

Hopes take flight,

In the moments of your last,

Vivid flashes of your colorful past,

Your pines for long lost loves,

The innocence you once held flutters away like a pearly dove,

Looking towards the light, a miracle shines your way,

Let not the hope and love in your heart fray,

As your love left behind beholds a legacy,

Your tender touch has gripped me,

Clutching at my deepest emotions,

Unravelling my sincerest notions,

As you fade into the light of everlasting bliss,

Of you I will always know this,

You are the epitome of life in my eyes,

And even if time itself one day dies,

You my life, heart and soul,

On you nothing can take a toll…..

This is a tribute to someone lost. Someone who had "passed on" in their own way. The loss to those who cherished this beautiful person mourns this heart wrenching loss but look forward for heartfelt bliss and continous peace for them.

"May you rest in peace"

Wow!! It has been an awful long time since I’ve written anything!! I can almost here a few people scream at me “About time!!!” So sorry guys, I’ve been swamped! But here’s a thought I reflected upon recently and thought was worth killing some time and brain cells over!

            Ever been surrounded by people yet felt painfully alone? Ever felt a million eyeballs on you yet you seem to sink into the background? Baffled? Or simply perplexed?? No, I’m not out of my mind. Sometimes loneliness just seems to creep out from the darkest corners of our heart, corners we had buried deep within our souls afraid of what it may reveal and at the same time unprepared to wage an emotional war with our own fates and most painfully ourselves. How do we conquer our deepest fears? How do we vanquish our most painful cognitions? All the emotions boiled up inside us have been concocted by none other than ourselves. Tears spill without reason; hearts shatter without purpose yet the pain of these devastations are the same in any other situation. Are these pains void of reason? Or have we simply pushed our fears and pains out of our conscious thought? I buried mine deep within myself, afraid to unearth it in any reason for the fear that if I do, I might find myself crumbling at its sheer abhorrence. The power it wields over me is, sad to say, paramount.

            Yet, it was at one point that life itself took a jolting turn and circumstances were such that everything spiraled out of my control. I had no power to make decisions, view choices or even think in favor of anything. Living solely the life of a puppet, I came to realize that power is what we make of it. WE give power to what holds us. It’s the strength of our grip that enhances a thought, it is the impact of the touch we make that commissions authority and most importantly it is the emphasis we place that warrants our thoughts in the paths it is destined to tread. Persuasion it seemed worked. Well, at least to a certain extent.

Regretfully, life wasn’t a bed of roses or a stroll in the park. I was sadly misled with the notion that if we had a certain mind frame, life would paint a beautiful picture. Fate had a different idea; from being a non-assertive, take it a day at a time individual, cynicism and skepticism set afoot. A new person had emerged from the depths of the order. A person so different that even I had trouble understanding.

            The new person had a new take on life and perspectives seem to differ in stark contrasts. The typical bubbly personality was erased to be replaced with a sordid, rigid and rather depressing person. I was in the pit of despair. The change so tragic that I felt I could not live with myself yet a suppressed fear that if I laughed I would have to repay that moment of joy with a shed tear tore at my conscience and there were moments were I was truly wrought with fear as I trembled to stifle a giggle. Naivety? On the contrary, it was perfectly rationale but unfortunately unpractical. Nightmares invaded the painstaking existence and sanity edged to the brink of defeat.

            I had had enough. To hell with fate and its consequences. What power do I have over my life if I were to surrender my life to power itself? What life would I have if I were to let life itself run its course? How would I have a destiny if I believe destiny alone is a reason to live? A mind-blowing self-discovery propelled these various questions that I could not do more than I already had. I live, love and lead my life. My head, heart and soul is mine to cherish and I will let no higher power decide its betterment or otherwise. Such determination exuded from every part of me yet there was one question that kept egging a very disturbing notion to come forth to my consciousness. What of the loss of this control? What if I am indeed wrong? What if I can’t lead my own life? What if I can’t hold the power that I think is mine? One question?? Now there are millions!

            I have to admit that till copious amounts of time have wedged itself between my current state and the time of my self rumination but for the first time (honestly speaking here) in my life I can admit that I am satisfied with how things have turned out. Truthfully, the tears still pour and those moments of loneliness comes to haunt me in my darkest hours and I do find myself curling up in corners at times but this just allows me to know that I’m still human. I still feel, hurt and I know that I may not acknowledge certain things and I tend to repress hurtful memories or emotions but I can safely look at myself in the mirror and say that I am Me. And thank God I am.

Sometimes i wonder,
If the only parts of my life are all errs and blunder,
Pain and sorrow engulf me,
My heart yearns a moment to be free,
But blinding pain is immortalized,
As rejection, betrayal and denial is realized,
False hope implicated,
More antagonizing moments these emotions
created,
Every tear that streams by,
Resembles a singular lie,
That my heart has managed to deceive,
In failure to receive,
The only feeling my heart yearns for,
That one true love will come knocking on my door,
Yet only angst seems to come my way,
As i sit by pain, i pray,
Won’t fate sympathize,
Won’t god hear my desperate cries,
The endless tears I shed at night,
As I clutch my heart and and weep all my might,
So much pain has this heart endured,
Nothing in life had i allured,
Gone are the days of smiles and laughter,
Those are but a memory long after,
My life embodies what fate defies,
My heart gives life to what fate denies,
All of which i end in turmoil,
As my heart is toy played with and toiled,
I am nothing but a lifeless shell,
And you have heard a tale and all that it has to tell,
So now decide,
If god does abide,
To cries and prayers,
As i have waited an eternity in my lifeless years,
As baring my soul,
I let my tale unravel,
I allow it to unfold

Nights once veiled in obscurity,

Tainted from view and clarity,

Overshadowed from the glimpse of light,

Prescience of joy eluding sight,

As dusk settles,

The truth nettles,

Where the veils are lifted for a glimpse at the harrowing eyes,

Eyes that justice and joy denies,

Sorrow that brims from the eyelid,

Pride that seems worthy of a mere bid,

Destiny entwined with a meaningless existence,

Nothing to account for but mere presence,

Her tears brings storms of agony,

Her pains so many,

Yet, a pillar of strength she stands,

Her family through everything she defends,

A rose in a barren land,

She is the gentle hand,

Caress and hold,

Unflinchingly she molds,

Character and love,

The blessing from the stars above,

As the light slices through the dusky night,

The angst takes flight,

Twinkling stars clutter the now lit skies,

And destiny is defied……